Release

For my anniversary gift back in July, A.Jay treated me to a gift certificate to a spa. I finally redeemed it over the weekend. Over three hours of being pampered with fragrant aromas, what a way to escape for a little while! My skin was glowing from head to toe and I was relaxed.

Afterwards, with the children off with grandparents, A.Jay and I hung out together, nibbling on an appetizer at home. We then treated ourselves with a date at a quaint, local Italian restaurant. The food, the wine, the service, and my dinner companion were all near perfect. Who could ask for a better day!

As we head back home, we stop off at a craft store. There is a door decorating contest at work for the Christmas holidays and my co-worker and I decide I'll paint a manger scene. I need rolled craft paper to paint on.

A.Jay follows behind as I quickly scan the aisles. We run across a gingerbread house kit and pick it up (I had promised the kids we'd make one this year) but no paper. I know I've bought it here before. Wanting to save time, I head to the front for assistance. The cashier is foreign, speaks broken English, and doesn't understand what I am looking for. Frustrating. She calls over the manager. With an attitude, she says they've never had that item. Immediately, my temper flares and I comment "No craft paper at a craft store? I must have been at (their competitor)." Then I snatch the kit out of A.Jay's hands, march to the display, put it back, and march myself to the car.

Here I had just spent what for most women would be a dream day and I am going to get bent out of shape over rolled craft paper????

My temper has been flaring over the trivial for a few weeks now, vacillating with insecurity. I hate when I am like this. It's been a while and I have enjoyed the respite, as I am sure everyone else has. I realize there is a sin issue. I have been in prayer. But I am still in the dark as to the core issue.

And then a break-through. A.Jay knows I have been struggling with forgetting a particular transgression, especially since I see it as a pattern. I want to forget, but I want to protect myself too and I struggle with hardening my heart. He points me to Scripture and challenges me. In His grace, God softens my heart to look at His word and seek Him rather than being a defiant daughter and stand my ground.

As I pray I immediately realize my thoughts have not been taken captive (2Cor 10:5). In my mind I've been continuously building my case against the wrong done to me and imagining it continuing. It was not intentional, but it was where my fleshly mind wandered and it had the same outcome- flashes of anger over seemingly minor occurrences. And that anger came out toward any body or any thing. Sounds something like bitterness. Now who is wronging another? It's like a ripple growing larger as it effects others.

The word captive is still lingering though. As I search out Scripture, I realize I am subconsciously holding another captive, binding them to their sin if only in my mind. But it's ME who is wearing the shackles which I would have never realized on my own.

As I reflect on what Jesus did for me on the cross and relate it to how I've been holding an offense, I am at first ashamed. He released me from my sin, even the ones I commit over and over (a pattern) and I'm going to hold on to another's? As I reflected on it more and allowed His grace to permeate my heart, it made me want to pay it forward, His grace, that is. It made me want to take the risk of getting hurt so the person can be released from their wrongs just as I have been released.

As I surrender to Jesus daily, enabling Him to take my thoughts and imagination captive, and release those I've perceived have wronged me, I am the one who is set free!

Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2Timothy 2:25,26