It's ba-aaack!
Yep. Chaos is a three-headed creature and the one that's been laying low is looking to step through my threshold. Kinda hard to do when a few years ago it burned the bridge too. Not only that, it continued to throw explosives periodically just to make sure it was completely destroyed. All along the way I've thought, how is all this ever to be reconciled? I cannot even imagine. Honestly? I still can't. But I know if THE Reconciler is involved, it can happen. I've been approached in such a way that perhaps His Spirit is involved. Much conversation and time will reveal the truth.
Even if nothing becomes of it, if Chaos continues in its way, if it's attempting to get closer to try to get in a really good punch or to get to my children, I am grateful. How can I over the years go from dread & fear, to annoyed, to gratefulness? What could there possibly be to be grateful for? What is there to celebrate?
The struggle, the heartache, the disappointment, it's deepened my thirst, my desire, my longing, my joy for the Lord! As I've wrestled with Him anew, so much good becomes of it! I'm all over my Bible. I'm praying. I'm worshiping. I'm asking. I'm listening. I'm drawn closer to Him! It's become so freeing to embrace the process rather than wrestle against it.
This time around He showed me my sin so I'm repenting too. In the past, instead of being faithful to Him and His purposes, I was faithful to being the "good" (whatever) in this relationship. I didn't consult Him. What is "good" according to the world and what is good according to His purposes may very well be on opposite ends of the spectrum. I had not come alongside Him and what He was doing. It was all about me doing "good". Perhaps I was getting in His way. Hey! Don't forget His sovereignty!
Now, even owning up to my sin is not so painful. It's just clearing out more of the junk between me and Him. Who wouldn't want that?
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