Healing

With all my many years in churches, my understanding of the Holy Spirit can be summarized to two things - conversion and conviction. Conversion is when God draws someone to Himself in repentance and restoration which is revealed by the Holy Spirit. The result is salvation. Conviction is realizing an area of sin in your life which is again revealed by the Holy Spirit. But what then? Fix yourself or at least try. Fail? Try again. Fail again? Try harder! The result is guilt leading to eventual frustration and despair.

After nearly fifteen years, the result for me was a self conscious, guarded, controlled, reserved and passionless shell. Why? Because it was all up to me. I had to make the changes. I had to be more. I had to do more. But I always fell short. Tough it out. Hold it all together. Be strong.

At the end of my rope, marriage in crisis, sitting before a pastor for counseling, grenades are lobbed at me titled ~ 1Corinthians 13:4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Over and over these verses are recited to me for months, reinforcing, it's all up to me.

(Side note: This experience gave me a taste of how compassion less use of Scripture can embitter one to Christians and the gospel. But that may be another post.)

During those months and many to follow, I immersed myself in Scripture and prayer. And the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Initially understanding 1Corinthians 13:4-7 is not about me or my marriage or my relationships. GOD is love. This love doesn't begin with me. It begins with Him. It's about His love. And for a long time, that's all I really needed to know.

So what was missing from my understanding of the Holy Spirit? A critical part after conviction. He is also an encourager and helper. It's not totally up to me. Yes, I can play a part but it's mostly surrendering myself to His continued transformation, allowing Him to do His work in me. And if I fail? His love doesn't.

God is patient and kind to me, He is not envious of me or boast against me; God is not arrogant or rude to me; God does not insist on His own way, nor is He irritable or resentful to me; He does not rejoice when I do wrong, but He rejoices in me when I walk in Truth; God supports me, believes in me, hopes for good in me, and won't ever give up on me.

A few years later, sitting in a pew, the passage for the service is 1Corinthians 13:4-7. I cringe as I have done since the gorilla warfare experience. My stomach becomes knots and dread washes over me. But no hand grenades. Instead he begins explaining the verses as God's agape love toward me evolving into enabling me to love others in the same way.

Oh Lord, thank You for Your continued healing. May Your love described in this selection of verses continue to permeate me, enabling me to love others well.