Surrendering the Fight

Day three of fighting with my computer. It's running slow, locking up, and not loading some programs. Basically it's being a thorn in my side! Oh! It has the recommended antivirus and antispyware programs. I know. I check cnet periodically. I defragment, run cleaners, minimize my start-up programs, delete unused programs, and have even added memory. I jump through hoops to keep my computer running smoothly and avoid being in this position. Despite my efforts, periodically it gives me fits. And then I jump through hoops even more, becoming obsessed with it running smoothly again.

How I deal with my computer is a good illustration of how I've dealt with life. My life long goal ~ a comfortable life, free from frustration, chaos, and adversity. I juggle, dance, and perform, expecting all the world to fall into place so I can achieve my goal. As midlife has set in I've come to the realization, the world is not cooperating with me. My performing is changing no one and no thing. The chaos continues. Besides, with all this activity on my part, I'm just adding to the chaos.

We're all broken. It's a broken world with broken people and broken things, myself included, of course. Despite our efforts, people disappoint and fail and things deteriorate over time and break. To live in the illusion of perfection only leads to frustration and exhaustion and perhaps even anger and despair.

The Lord has worked in my heart and mind to accept and even begin to embrace our broken state. My vain attempts at achieving a comfortable life are futile. Now I'm surrendering the fight more often against the brokenness of the world. Without my flailing side show to exhaust me, seems I am better able to take it all in with a bit of wisdom. All of which has allowed for more peace and rest in my soul.

Oh! And my computer? I think I've determined the problem is not so much my computer as it is AOL.