It's Complicated

Adoption requires lots of paperwork, preparation, and if done correctly, introspection. Our latest exercise is to write an autobiography. They ask for lots of details, including details about experiences and relationships of family of origin. I was hoping I would skate right through as I walked through the chaos. That didn't happen. As I was struggling and attempting to fight back my emotions, thinking, you really should be over this and feeling guilty for not being over it, I realized I shouldn't.

Somewhere along the way I began to fear my emotions. Somewhere along the way I was made to feel emotions are to be suppressed. Somewhere along the way I began feeling guilt for even having emotions. And somewhere along the way I bought into the lie it's better to hide than to be real.

So instead of looking back at myself as a little girl, I looked back as if what I experienced was my daughter, M. Bray. My heart completely broke. Taking myself out of the situation gave me the freedom to see it realistically. Not diminishing the significance. Not attempting to excuse. Not believing this little girl could control the chaos or was ever meant to shoulder the weight of it.

Replacing my face with the face of my daughter, Jesus enabled me to speak to that little girl.

• My heart breaks for you.
• It was too much for you to carry.
• You were never meant to carry it.
• It is not your fault.
• You were not the cause.
• You could not control it.
• I wish I could take it away.
• I AM SO SORRY!

To avoid the emotions would harden my heart to the pain. I need to be able to feel the pain in order to speak truth and healing to our adopted child. Rather than being used to destroy, my experience can be used to minister. It's God's gift of redemptive grace.