The Power of Words

It's been months since I've posted. Blame it on wrestling with my thoughts and the inability to put those thoughts into words. Besides posting without conclusions sounds whiny. Maybe it's mid-life, maybe it's Chaos, or maybe it's My Companions. Most likely it's a combination and a few things I've yet to identify. Here's a few journal excerpts to illustrate:

What is going on with me? I've been slowly dissolving into insignificance again and pity. I feel like Smeagle in Lord of the Rings. The voices in my head are tearing me down, "Insignificant!"  Little comments and actions are being used in my mind to validate that word...

Really struggling with feeling misplaced. As I continue to attempt to find my niche it leads to rejection/failure/nothingness. Adoption ->nothing. Renew friendships ->nothing. New friendships ->nothing. Ministry ->rejection. Business ->failure. Now my dream job is in real jeopardy. I am sad and lonely...

In most cases I am making an effort in the situations You are putting me in. I fall short! I am so quick to believe the worst of myself...

In my sphere women start and run successful businesses, pursue and succeed in their creative outlet, lead ministries, make their mark in their industries, publish articles. And I dabble. Wasn't it Mark Twain who said, "Comparison is the death of joy???"

My counter attacks are, It doesn't matter. I am where God wants me, doing what He calls me to do. I don't look successful but that is not the measure. The measure is obedience. But the wicked comparison curse is obnoxious and relentless.

Finally a minor occurrence tumbles and breaks me like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall. In the moment, I am an orphan again, forgetting my Abba Father, thinking I'll never be put back together again. As I try to put to words for hubby to understand (who has been swept into my moment of chaos and is feeling pretty worthless himself), bits and pieces of self condemnation are shared- Insignificant. Failure. Freak.

It had to be the Holy Spirit when AJ boldly says to me,

"You stand out to the people who matter most."

And with those words, the curse I'd been living with is instantly dispelled.