Being Real: One Year Out

Looking back on the past year of my life, I can honestly say, we are all better off, the kids and I, that is. We have removed ourselves from the chaos as much as possible at this point.

Reflecting over the years, I see more clearly now. No more dealing with erratic behaviors and emotions on a constant basis.  No more blaming myself for not being and doing enough to keep a sense of constancy and safety within our home because I was accused of being overly sensitive. No more making me the fixer of relationships. (Though that still gets hurled at me constantly. I now feel the freedom to let it hit the ground and not pick it up, no matter the source and no matter the consequences.)

Despite all that, exactly a year out of the beginning of the ex's reveal of his years of infidelity, the hatefulness of his behavior and attitude, especially after the reveal, is numbing. From his birthday, to St. Patrick's Day, to Easter, then his mother's death, it's all tainted with the chaos he and his other woman created a year ago. Even the kids have mentioned it in passing to me. He has yet to acknowledge it to any of us.

In the last several days, it was simmering under the surface. But when he accidentally sent me a text meant for the other woman gushing about their weekend plans, it began to bubble over.

Quite frankly, I am angry. I am angry they both lack regret, much less remorse or repentance, though both of them claim different. I am angry both of them bring God into it. Seriously. I am not kidding or exaggerating. On a regular basis. I am angry he now has a comrade fueling his twisted thought paradigm. So his hatefulness is ongoing for both me and the children.

And quite frankly again, I think my anger is in line. God is angry at unrepentant sin. God is angry that evil tries to clothe itself in His light. God is angry at deceit, lies, and manipulation.

"They" say the second year is harder than the first. Lord, have mercy on us. Make us an exception. Please pray we will come to a sense of His rest as my ex continues to spin out of control, likely to crash, and burn all those connected to him.

And also please pray, my ex, AJ, will come to the end of himself on this side of life and will have no other option but to genuinely and wholeheartedly beg for God's mercy through Jesus.