It's the middle of the night and hot tears are streaming down my face. Not happy tears. Tears of frustration. Tears of old pain. Tears of new pain. The familiar but forgotten feeling of being figuratively bound in a straight jacket, completely helpless, is back. And I want to scream at the top of my lungs, a blood curdling scream, and rip my clothes to shreds.
Go back about thirty years in my life. I was nearing the end of my high school years. I was also beginning to better understand the chaos and control I lived with in my family of origin. Not allowed to express a differing opinion or do anything other than what was expected of me (but what was expected was ever changing and never expressed), it wasn't long before I realized I had to play along or risk a cursing or a beating. So I sucked it up to keep peace. After high school graduation, I sucked it up to keep finances from being cut off from my college education and post college studies. Then I sucked it up to be a "good" daughter. No beatings, just the cursing. All of this was under the hand of my father, while my mother played Switzerland.
In 2006, I finally came undone.
There is one thing I wanted in having a family...for my children to never have to live with the insecurity and chaos I grew up in.
Fast forward to today. Without going into details, my life is repeating itself for MBray. It's a punch in the gut, gasping for air, stunning moment as I realize the correlations. The feelings of enduring Chaos for all those years take hold of me and shake me to the core. No! Not for my kids, Lord. You and I have worked too hard on renewing me and creating a safe, healthy home life for my kids. But yet I feel the same helplessness because it is not in my control. As the tears roll, despair tries to settle in. I can't believe this is happening again....
Then it comes to mind- but I am not Switzerland.
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