One thing I have struggled with, which most people don't understand, is my animosity toward AJ's mistress. There are a myriad of reasons. First, though AJ admitted to deceiving women by removing his wedding band when away alone, in no way was she deceived about AJ being a married man. AJ and I were together when we all met for the first time at a conference in May 2012 when she was new to his industry. Second, when I discovered he had lied to me and the children and continued the relationship, she lied to me directly saying they were only friends and he was helping her navigate their industry. Messaging conversations between them immediately revealed that lie, as well as redeemed hotel reward points in our city. Third, she encouraged AJ to dump plans with CF while I was out of town so they could be together, breaking CF's heart. CF discovered it for himself via his dad's texts. It would have been the longest amount of time they would have spent together in two months doing something CF really wanted to do with his dad. Etc, etc, etc...
How could I dismiss her disrespect of me, my marriage, and my children? It seems illogical and unhealthy for myself and her to do such a thing. And unlike society's views, the divorce does not redeem the situation. Her direct violation is not undone by a judge's signature on a paper. But no one and nowhere could I find anyone addressing such issues. So I've grappled around my animosity a lot, not understanding how to deal with it directly.
One of the issues me and the children continue to face is AJ's continued lies and deception. It's exasperating! He is still trying to project an image of someone he is not, deflecting his issues on to us and avoiding owning it himself. As I was searching for a resource to help us, I ran across a book recommendation, When Your Lover is a Liar. A reviewer, Elisabeth, goes into great detail about her two main problems with the book. Below are excerpts:
(The mistress) did the disrespectful, selfish, and opportunistic thing and entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent, too.
(The mistresses) also fully understood that in order for them to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. Since these mistresses went along with that deal, this tells me they're okay with lying...
...two people who think it's okay to seek pleasure at someone else's expense obviously have some serious narcissistic issues...
...when a wife is cheated on, it is one of the most humiliating, degrading, and demoralizing experiences she could ever go through...and then to actually be left for the person who helped him cheat is even more demoralizing.
So a mistress hoping one day a man will inflict this double-whammy of pain onto his wife just so these two lovebirds can finally be together, again, shows a serious lack of character.
...how can SHE feel good helping a man make a fool out of his wife?Finally! Someone acknowledges the guilt of an affair falls on both parties committing adultery. Someone acknowledges the mistress has also betrayed the wife (and in my opinion, the children as well). It is empowering to be validated and affirmed!
As I was praying recently that empowerment was transformed. Compassion and empathy washed over me. The Holy Spirit was guiding my thoughts. The mistress's heart, mind, and soul are riddled with sin causing her to be plagued with mental disorders. She needs the healing power of the gospel just as I do, just as we all do. After confessing my animosity, for the first time, I genuinely prayed for her soul. Only the work of Jesus in my life could empower me to do that.
Huh. Who knew an Amazon review would be used by the Lord to lead me to another step toward healing? Sometimes I love that mysterious, unpredictable side of Him. He is everywhere!
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