Revisiting Sovereignty

MBray is applying for a scholarship that requires the applicant to write an essay explaining why they have chosen their college major. I love her words. I love her heart. But there is also the pang of how completely we were deceived by her father. Here's the essay:

               College was never something I looked forward to. I believe learning is important and enjoy it if it’s a subject I see a need to learn about, but I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. Growing up, my ideas for the future ranged from veterinarian to chef to actress, all of which would have been fine professions, but not ones for which I felt passion. Much like my desire to learn things for a purpose, I want my life to have a purpose as well. I knew I wanted to uplift and encourage others, but I did not know how to turn that into my life’s endeavor. I was lost. What this essay will describe is how I found my purpose and passion, which in turn has compelled and excited me to further my education.

                This story begins when I was fifteen on a Sunday morning. My father and I had spent most of the night at the ER. Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing at all serious, but that didn’t change the fact that we were exhausted. One thing you should know about my father is that he was always looking for ways to get out of going to church. Whether he needed to plow through a larger than normal sports section in the paper or we all needed to watch this classic movie, at least once a month there was a less than viable excuse for not going. You can imagine my surprise then when my parents knocked on my bedroom door the next morning to tell me they were both headed off to church. When they got back, they were giddy. The sermon that morning had been on adoption and during that sermon both of them had felt called to act on it. In my mind, it was a no brainer. I always believed we had a wonderful family and we had plenty to go around. Why shouldn’t we offer our house and family to someone who needed them? Everyone was in agreement and so the process began.

We wanted to adopt from the U.S., someone younger than my brother who was ten at the time, and possibly a sibling group. That is very easy to say, but so much harder to do. My parents participated in all the classes, signed all the forms, completed all the home inspections, and basically played the game. A year passed and we still had not even gained an approval, much less a child. Our papers were lost numerous times. People retired or wouldn’t call back. Everything that could go wrong did. But somehow, about fifteen months in, we finally were approved. Excited that we might finally welcome a child into our home, the next few weeks after that were spent waiting for a call, placing inquiries about children on state and national adoption websites. Nothing happened.

I was sixteen now. There was a dinner for foster and adopting families in our area, hosted by the Department of Human Resources. Hoping to get noticed, my parents decided to go. The adults were going to dinner, while the children would stay at the DHR offices, cared for by the staff there. I knew it was necessary, but was hardly enthused. It’s hard to be when you’re left behind in a place you have never been with people you do not know. In the end, my brother and I confined ourselves to a corner, with our sticker name tags, nervously nibbling on cold pizza. As I stood uncomfortably, glancing out the window at the greying sky, wishing I could be anywhere else, I suddenly heard, “Look M., she has the same name!” I turned to see a little girl, about eight with long blonde hair pointing straight at my face. She was motioning to a tiny girl one sitting across from her. I looked down at my name tag confusedly. Yes, I was M. Apparently, the little wisp the blonde was talking to was also. The blonde girl, whose name was T., began a conversation and I eagerly responded. We played games with the salt and pepper shakers and talked about our love of cookies, like you do.

When the social workers shooed us away from the cookies to the playground, I tagged along after T. and M.. It was on that playground I began to know my namesake a bit better. She was pale to the point of sickly, with chopped off brown hair and unnaturally large eyes. It was plain she had not been well taken care of, yet she had a sweet, unmistakable joy emanating from her that both surprised and endeared me to her. Despite T.’s repeated insistence that she must “take care” of her sister, by this time she had entrusted M. completely to me. My evening could not have gotten better as I bused her to the kitchen and to the bathroom, her soft hand fitting so naturally into mine. I could see she acted younger than she was, though there seemed to be no mental issues. Along with the other factors, I began to realize these must be children placed in the foster system, possibly very recently. My mom had talked about the kids we might adopt and all the issues they may have. She bought scores of books on the subject. But now it was not just a theory. It was right in front of me and it was tragic—yet beautiful at the same time. How could something so brokenhearted be so kind and gentle? The question itself gave me hope. If they could bless others in such a way when they were hurt, imagine how they would blossom if they experienced healing.

It was the end of the night and all the children were sitting watching Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. I was sitting in the middle of T. and my brother. M. was trying to get a blanket from another child and generally being her friendly self, which annoyed T. as “their mother had told them never to talk to strangers.” I was just beginning to wonder why I was not considered a stranger, when T. decided to forcibly pick up M. and bring her across the room. Unfortunately, M. was far too big for this maneuver and T. dropped M. M.’s crying did not last long. T.’s tears were far worse. She blubbered about how she was letting her mother down—the mother I later found out she had been taken away from. I wanted to help her, but I felt confused and awkward. I could not imagine the responsibility and pain this girl must be dealing with every moment. She was not only coping with the estrangement from her mother, but must help her sister navigate living in an unfamiliar place with strange people. As one of the adults comforted her, my heart ached for her in a way I had never experienced before and I wished I knew how to help.

It took me hardly 24 hours to decide that this was where the Lord was calling me. I had always enjoyed being with kids, trying to figure out what made them tick, but I could use that interest for something greater. I was passionate about helping children be their best, both mentally and emotionally. Our dreams of adoption eventually fell through. I was never able to connect with T. or M. again, but that night God used them to allow me to see what I wanted to do with my life. I began working with children in any way I could, mostly through church activities, with the aim of gaining more knowledge about how children think and how I can better serve their needs. Through these activities I have gained not only experience, but friendships and assurance that this is what God wants me to do. When I attend Auburn University in the fall, I will be pursuing a degree in Human Development and Family Studies with the intent of going on to pursue a Master’s Degree in School Psychology. People find this rather funny since I’ve been homeschooled my entire life, but also think it will give me a unique perspective. Children excite me because of their innocence and potential. I see in them endless possibilities. I hope that in serving them I can be a nurturing and positive influence that will encourage them to be the person God created them to be.

As I've been rehashing how we got where we are, why life didn't turn out in ways I think would have been better, I am led to one conclusion...God's sovereignty. It's the only thing I can cling to about my ex and about other things in my life too. The quarter of a century of being deceived, the doors I wish were open but are not, the dreams unrealized. I keep breathing, I keep taking another step, I keep moving forward, not only because I must, but also because of my faith. The Lord has had this all along, for what purposes I am unsure of. I am banking on the promise, all things work together for good. Give me unshakable confidence in it, Lord!

Life Lesson

Subject: Reasoning with an Unreasonable Person
Lesson: Just. Say. No.
Duration: EVERY. TIME.
Benefit: Personal Sanity. Lack of Regret.
Exceptions: A "talkative" baby

From Mourning to Jubilation!

After the tragic events of the previous days, followers, friends, and disciples of Jesus must have been feeling a lot of despair, pain, heartbreak, and confusion. Each had been transformed from within. Their lives reflected it. But all appeared to be lost. When Jesus's life went down in ways that had been unexpected, I am sure they were questioning themselves. Had I been fooled? How could He really be who He said He was? Has it all been a farce? What now? 

In our own small way, my kids and I can relate. This time last year, we were putting on a show. AJ had moved out, but we were still portraying ourselves as the happy family for the sake of his mother who was soon to lose her battle with cancer. We were questioning. Had we been fooled? Had it all been a farce? What now? 

The answer in our case as it played out is yes, it had been a show. Not just Easter with the extended family but the whole shebang. I can only speak for myself. I felt a lot of pain, heartbreak, and a tad bit of confusion and despair (thanks be to God, because I understood this situation really had nothing to do with me). I think the same is true for my kiddos, MBray less than CF, but I feel certain the Lord will bring CF further along.

BUT... Jesus wasn't a show. He conquered death by raising from the dead. He paid the price of sin, taking on the wrath of God for His chosen ones. This is why we can stand here a year out and know, that though the whittling down of our family from four to three went down in unexpected ways, there is jubilation! Only because AJ was not the center of our world or even the center of our family. Jesus is. He arose from the dead. He conquered death. And because of that, despite the heartache and pain of this world, we live a jubilant life. 

Happy Easter, everyone, for He has risen! 

(Special shout-out to S! Thanks for the family shot!)

A Little Help

There is something about dreams. A "good" dream, a "bad" dream, either can set my mood for the day. Thankfully, it doesn't happen too often. But recently, in a way I can only describe as being haunted during the night about the level of evil the children and me endure, a bad dream set me back for a day to an anxiety level worse than I knew at the height of the fruition of AJ's chaos, many months ago.

It was all I could do to get myself to work that day, which gave me relief. But as soon as I left work, the anxiety came back with a vengeance. It just wouldn't go away and it was unbearable. Nothing was making it subside.

That's where a long time, dear friend stepped in. So grateful I took the chance and was real about where I really was. My friend came alongside me and allowed me to lean in for strength and encouragement. As usual, this friend also diverted the conversation which reminds me, there is life outside of this mess, even for me.

I know Jesus is the only one we can truly count on. But He also allows us to experience it in the flesh through friends. Thank you, B! The Beatles were right. I'm getting by with a little help from my friends.

Being Real: One Year Out

Looking back on the past year of my life, I can honestly say, we are all better off, the kids and I, that is. We have removed ourselves from the chaos as much as possible at this point.

Reflecting over the years, I see more clearly now. No more dealing with erratic behaviors and emotions on a constant basis.  No more blaming myself for not being and doing enough to keep a sense of constancy and safety within our home because I was accused of being overly sensitive. No more making me the fixer of relationships. (Though that still gets hurled at me constantly. I now feel the freedom to let it hit the ground and not pick it up, no matter the source and no matter the consequences.)

Despite all that, exactly a year out of the beginning of the ex's reveal of his years of infidelity, the hatefulness of his behavior and attitude, especially after the reveal, is numbing. From his birthday, to St. Patrick's Day, to Easter, then his mother's death, it's all tainted with the chaos he and his other woman created a year ago. Even the kids have mentioned it in passing to me. He has yet to acknowledge it to any of us.

In the last several days, it was simmering under the surface. But when he accidentally sent me a text meant for the other woman gushing about their weekend plans, it began to bubble over.

Quite frankly, I am angry. I am angry they both lack regret, much less remorse or repentance, though both of them claim different. I am angry both of them bring God into it. Seriously. I am not kidding or exaggerating. On a regular basis. I am angry he now has a comrade fueling his twisted thought paradigm. So his hatefulness is ongoing for both me and the children.

And quite frankly again, I think my anger is in line. God is angry at unrepentant sin. God is angry that evil tries to clothe itself in His light. God is angry at deceit, lies, and manipulation.

"They" say the second year is harder than the first. Lord, have mercy on us. Make us an exception. Please pray we will come to a sense of His rest as my ex continues to spin out of control, likely to crash, and burn all those connected to him.

And also please pray, my ex, AJ, will come to the end of himself on this side of life and will have no other option but to genuinely and wholeheartedly beg for God's mercy through Jesus.

What a Day!

I live in one of the areas that was unexpectedly hit by snow yesterday. In less than two hours it turned the roads into an ice skating rink. Usually I would have been home, but I was doing some work for a friend at their office. M.Bray was at home and CF was at school.

The snow began shortly after 9:30 a.m. and I could see from the window it was sticking on the roads, a rarity for us. By 10:45 a.m., as I was finishing up my work, cars were spinning their wheels trying to get up the short hill to the office. One car had already been abandoned.

I got word all schools were closing at 11:30 a.m. and the buses would be running. There are nine schools packed within a 3 mile radius of my home so the announcement dumped a lot of traffic at one time along my route.

It's less than five miles down one road to get back to my neighborhood. When I pulled out of the parking lot at 11:00 a.m., traffic was already crawling. The landscape was completely white. I pulled into the line of cars and began inching toward home.

The conditions somehow impacted cell phone service. The only way to communicate was through text and it was spotty. I alerted MBray that I was not going to make it back home before the buses. She alerts me at 12:30 p.m. the buses are grounded. The only way to get CF home was to pick him up. The route between home and school is three miles, but immediately outside our neighborhood there is a mountain to climb. In just a little rain it can be dangerous. The conditions made it an impossible route so MBray couldn't make it to the school.

AJ and I were in contact with each other. He hadn't gone into his business that morning and was stuck in traffic on the opposite end of our area, making CF's school between the two of us. He starts inching his way toward the school.

At that point, I was about four miles from both home and school. Cars were already abandoned alongside and in the road making the route difficult, but I am still inching along the two lane road with a turn lane. I see the steep incline ahead of me. An 18 wheeler is stuck midway coming down. Cars are spinning and sliding at the bottom. Men from a business at the bottom of the hill are pushing cars through to try to keep traffic moving. I begin considering I too will have to abandon my car and walk home.

I creep up the loooong incline, making sure to keep my speed as slow and steady as possible and avoid touching the brake. Whew! I made it up! A sigh of relief!

And finally, at 12:45 p.m. I get in touch with CF and hear his voice! Another sigh of relief! He sounds like his usual jovial self instead of panicked as his few texts had read. He confirms the school has grounded the buses and he has to be picked up. I tell him his dad is in route and to get in touch with him.

Having made it up the longest incline on my route, there is a possibility for me to get to CF and I begin considering turning off to get to his school as I inch along. Several blocks before the turn, I believe one of the cars is stalled or abandoned in front of me so I steer into the middle turn lane. But I was mistaken and now I am stuck in the middle being forced to continue moving forward. The right turn to head to CF is just ahead and traffic cannot/will not let me in. As I reach the turn, a firetruck is blocking the right turn and I can see the route to school is impassable. Cars are strewn askew on the incline. My heart sunk. Now it's up to AJ to reach CF.

I can't move forward. Traffic is at a stand still. I am less than two miles from home and there is an alternate route if I take a left. Already in the turn lane, I head in that direction.

The road is completely covered with snow with no path of previous cars. I slowly make my way down the decline. I can see ahead to my alternate route and there are cars backed up and at a stand still just before my right turn. I make my way there and am able to get around the cars to my turn. It leads to a park near my home. As I come back to the main road, cars are backed up again, not moving, so I drive in the left hand lane and pull into the parking lot of the park.

It's 1:00 p.m. now. I watch the road leading to my neighborhood, but the cars are not moving. Some turn off the road and into the park, off-roading to get out of the mess. My alternate route doesn't get me home, but it got me relatively close to it. I grab an umbrella (I guess I haven't mentioned it's been snowing the whole time), lock up my car, and begin walking the field to the road in my business attire, thankful for the wool pants I decided to wear that day and wishing I had gloves. I make it to the road and weave my way among the cars, some of which are abandoned.

By 1:30 p.m., two and a half hours from when I started down a five mile route, I am home! MBray has a hot sandwich and coffee waiting for me.

AJ is still inching his way to CF and makes it to the school at 2:30 p.m. He picks up a few other kids and drops them off at their neighborhoods as he makes his way here. At 3:45 p.m. AJ gets as close as he can to the mountain outside our neighborhood. CF will have to walk the rest of the way alone. (He didn't want me to meet him.) By 4:00 p.m. he's home!

Whew! What a day! All this to say, I am filled with gratefulness for the Lord's provision, protection, and discernment. If I had started my new job, I would have never made it home and would be stranded as thousands of others are. While in route, I didn't skid once. No cars skidded toward me. I started with a full tank of gas. He directed my route giving me discernment when and where to leave my car in a safe place. Though I was in business attire, I was warm and able to walk in the slick conditions in heels once I left my car. And AJ came through and got CF close enough to get here.

Our little family of three are all home, safe and sound.  (Happy sigh!)

Below are pictures of what the roads were like that I walked. It was a mess. It's still a mess out there. Tomorrow the thaw begins.

Pray for Me

My coming to understand and deal with Chaos years ago led me to discover the world and mind of a narcissist and the havoc they wreak on those closest to them. In my research I thought AJ has narcissistic tendencies, most of us have at least a few. Even looking at our past, I still think he only had tendencies.

But now? His true narcissist self has been exposed with his continued engagement with sin. A narcissist never takes responsibility for the wrong he has done. It's someone else's fault. The undoing of his relationship with his children and the continued strife he promotes and the wedge between us that has overnight in his mind tainted our entire twenty-five year relationship/marriage... it's all my fault.

Been accused before, different narcissist. But I am still totally unnerved, totally struggling, and fighting coming completely undone. Prayers appreciated.

Empowered to Pray

Disclaimer: In this post I am being uncomfortably candid. The subject matter is not appropriate for children. My intention is not to slander or be vindictive. My intention is to describe how the Lord has softened me unexpectedly in a very hurtful area in order to begin a new area of healing in me. I share it to bring glory and honor to Him and perhaps help someone who may find themselves in a similar situation.  

One thing I have struggled with, which most people don't understand, is my animosity toward AJ's mistress. There are a myriad of reasons. First, though AJ admitted to deceiving women by removing his wedding band when away alone, in no way was she deceived about AJ being a married man. AJ and I were together when we all met for the first time at a conference in May 2012 when she was new to his industry. Second, when I discovered he had lied to me and the children and continued the relationship, she lied to me directly saying they were only friends and he was helping her navigate their industry. Messaging conversations between them immediately revealed that lie, as well as redeemed hotel reward points in our city. Third, she encouraged AJ to dump plans with CF while I was out of town so they could be together, breaking CF's heart. CF discovered it for himself via his dad's texts. It would have been the longest amount of time they would have spent together in two months doing something CF really wanted to do with his dad. Etc, etc, etc...

How could I dismiss her disrespect of me, my marriage, and my children? It seems illogical and unhealthy for myself and her to do such a thing. And unlike society's views, the divorce does not redeem the situation. Her direct violation is not undone by a judge's signature on a paper. But no one and nowhere could I find anyone addressing such issues. So I've grappled around my animosity a lot, not understanding how to deal with it directly.

One of the issues me and the children continue to face is AJ's continued lies and deception. It's exasperating! He is still trying to project an image of someone he is not, deflecting his issues on to us and avoiding owning it himself. As I was searching for a resource to help us, I ran across a book recommendation, When Your Lover is a Liar. A reviewer, Elisabeth, goes into great detail about her two main problems with the book. Below are excerpts:

(The mistress) did the disrespectful, selfish, and opportunistic thing and entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent, too.

(The mistresses) also fully understood that in order for them to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. Since these mistresses went along with that deal, this tells me they're okay with lying...

 ...two people who think it's okay to seek pleasure at someone else's expense obviously have some serious narcissistic issues...

 ...when a wife is cheated on, it is one of the most humiliating, degrading, and demoralizing experiences she could ever go through...and then to actually be left for the person who helped him cheat is even more demoralizing.

So a mistress hoping one day a man will inflict this double-whammy of pain onto his wife just so these two lovebirds can finally be together, again, shows a serious lack of character.

...how can SHE feel good helping a man make a fool out of his wife?

Finally! Someone acknowledges the guilt of an affair falls on both parties committing adultery. Someone acknowledges the mistress has also betrayed the wife (and in my opinion, the children as well). It is empowering to be validated and affirmed!

As I was praying recently that empowerment was transformed. Compassion and empathy washed over me. The Holy Spirit was guiding my thoughts. The mistress's heart, mind, and soul are riddled with sin causing her to be plagued with mental disorders. She needs the healing power of the gospel just as I do, just as we all do. After confessing my animosity, for the first time, I genuinely prayed for her soul. Only the work of Jesus in my life could empower me to do that.

Huh. Who knew an Amazon review would be used by the Lord to lead me to another step toward healing? Sometimes I love that mysterious, unpredictable side of Him. He is everywhere!

Promises

 

As the kids and I walk down this difficult road, our relationship with the Lord has sustained us and even allowed us to flourish. Throughout the house I have taken dry erase markers and written encouraging Scriptures on the windows and mirrors to keep our minds and hearts focused on the bigger picture rather than the troubles before us in this world. The kids helped me pick them out.

The one pictured above is the one I see most often. It's written over what was AJ's side of the master bathroom sink. The Lord has become my husband. He is the one I count on forever. He is my provider, my confidant, my best friend.

Whatever your circumstances, be encouraged! You are never alone. God is holding your right hand and is continuously with you! (Ps 73:23) His promises are never broken. His Word are His love letters written to you.

Redeeming the Sadness

Twenty two years ago today, I was walking down the aisle to become Mrs. AJ. As of July 1st, I am now Ms. MAnn. The pain of thinking even then he thought he was making a mistake is hitting me. The Lord doesn't make mistakes. It's not about me. Even then he was far from the Lord, though he knew how to fake it.

Thank you, Lord, how you have used these past twenty-two years to teach me Your Word and grow to love it. You used it to draw me into a deep, loving, meaningful, and impact-full relationship with You! And as a bonus you brought two beautiful children into my life who are growing to love You as I do.

So what he sees as a mistake, I know You used it in my life for good, despite him. You are faithful and true. Your love endures forever! For You are with me. You will never leave me or forsake me.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Grieving with Hope

 

The divorce was granted on July 1, 2013. For three weeks prior, AJ was requesting I allow a stay, legally putting a hold on the divorce. I could not discern that a heart change had taken place and the pastor he met with about it could not either. What got us to this place and had dragged the kids' and my lives through chaos for the past four months, was still the center of his world. The divorce was the healthiest choice for me and the kids.

God's timing is everything. A few days later, He chose to reveal to me the whole truth after the divorce, so I wouldn't be tempted to confront AJ (which always turns into denial and lashing out).  

Genesis 6:5-6, “And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.”

Now that I know the whole truth of the past four months, my initial feelings of hurt and being used have diminished and have been overwhelmed with deep grief over the depth, breadth, and height of AJ's sin which consumes him. It's a feeling I've never experienced before or heard anyone express. It kept me up practically all night.

I don't know what to do with it, other than cry out to the Lord for his soul transformation. But I cannot allow it to consume me and my life either. I prayed the Lord would not allow it to overshadow me, but I will be able to live with it and still find, peace, rest, and joy in my days. He is faithful and immediately lifted my spirits. 

A new beginning while still longing for healing....

Open Letter to AJ

AJ,

Six years ago I was willing to do anything, endure anything to make our marriage right again. I thought eventually that is what happened. Now, knowing the truth, I am willing to do anything, endure anything, not to make our marriage work, but to put you in a position of desperation. Not desperate for our marriage, not desperate for our family but desperate for an encounter with Christ. It's no longer our marriage, nor our family, but rather it's the state of your soul I grieve over the most. So as you see the steps I am taking as vindictive, it is actually to leave you to no one but yourself, to break you so the only person for you to turn to is Christ Himself. It's going to hurt and you are going to deflect on me, but it's your only hope. He is your only hope. And I hope when you come face to face with Jesus, it will be on this side of Earth, and it will be in complete surrender to Him.

MAnn

Note: AJ does not read my blog. This is written in hope he will find Healing and at that time I can share this with him.

Counting My Blessings...

nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty....

Counting My Blessings...

fifteen...

Counting My Blessings....

One, two, three...

The Power of Words

It's been months since I've posted. Blame it on wrestling with my thoughts and the inability to put those thoughts into words. Besides posting without conclusions sounds whiny. Maybe it's mid-life, maybe it's Chaos, or maybe it's My Companions. Most likely it's a combination and a few things I've yet to identify. Here's a few journal excerpts to illustrate:

What is going on with me? I've been slowly dissolving into insignificance again and pity. I feel like Smeagle in Lord of the Rings. The voices in my head are tearing me down, "Insignificant!"  Little comments and actions are being used in my mind to validate that word...

Really struggling with feeling misplaced. As I continue to attempt to find my niche it leads to rejection/failure/nothingness. Adoption ->nothing. Renew friendships ->nothing. New friendships ->nothing. Ministry ->rejection. Business ->failure. Now my dream job is in real jeopardy. I am sad and lonely...

In most cases I am making an effort in the situations You are putting me in. I fall short! I am so quick to believe the worst of myself...

In my sphere women start and run successful businesses, pursue and succeed in their creative outlet, lead ministries, make their mark in their industries, publish articles. And I dabble. Wasn't it Mark Twain who said, "Comparison is the death of joy???"

My counter attacks are, It doesn't matter. I am where God wants me, doing what He calls me to do. I don't look successful but that is not the measure. The measure is obedience. But the wicked comparison curse is obnoxious and relentless.

Finally a minor occurrence tumbles and breaks me like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall. In the moment, I am an orphan again, forgetting my Abba Father, thinking I'll never be put back together again. As I try to put to words for hubby to understand (who has been swept into my moment of chaos and is feeling pretty worthless himself), bits and pieces of self condemnation are shared- Insignificant. Failure. Freak.

It had to be the Holy Spirit when AJ boldly says to me,

"You stand out to the people who matter most."

And with those words, the curse I'd been living with is instantly dispelled. 

 

A Man Who Stands

From my personal experience and observation, I've recently come to recognize there are three types of men- one who cowers, one who bullies, and one who stands.

A coward, when faced with the darkness of the world, hides. Whether it's the darkness within or the darkness without, he'll hide behind anyone. When he cowers, he'll even hide behind women and children, making them vulnerable to evil to save himself.

A bully, on the other hand, will stomp all over the more vulnerable in order to make himself feel powerful. It doesn't matter who is stepped on, man, woman, or child. Faced with his own darkness, he lashes and thrashes like a wounded animal at anyone around him. He is himself darkness.

But a man who stands does not shirk away when darkness lurks. He bids his time and faces darkness to achieve the most effective impact. If the darkness is within, he faces it too, without lashing out like the bully or blaming like the coward.

Connecting the Dots

The Empowered to Connect Conference became personal for me. As the behaviors of hurt children were mentioned, I identified with some of them. I knew I was an odd kid - rocking, spinning, and unexplained stomach pains. The rocking and spinning were self comforting behaviors from emotional neglect. The stomach pains were my response to a high tension and anxious environment.

A friend asked when those behaviors stopped. At the moment, I didn't know. Now I see it was in recent years, when the Lord began His healing journey in me. You see, the behaviors of a hurt child can look different when the child becomes an adult. For me, I was demanding, manipulative, depressed, and at times neurotic. I hid it well, except when it came to AJ. Just like a hurt child, I seemed fine in public but could be impossible behind closed doors. Subconsciously, I was craving unconditional love.

Then through a series of selfish, bad decisions on my part (which made me completely unloveable), God used AJ to finally break through to me and give me a taste of unconditional love. It was then the path of healing began to unfold for me, as the Lord stripped away my coping, my idols, my false gods to get to my heart and reveal His unconditional love for ME!

From the conference we learned, for every year of a child's life, it requires a month of intensive therapy for significant healing. My healing journey began the year I turned forty, suggesting it would take over three years. As I am calculating it out now, I am amazed because it's exactly on target with my own personal experience.

The Lord continues to "tidy" me up. Just this week, I purged my prayer journal of my old healing prayers in faith that He has new paths for me. It was unexpectedly liberating. The next day He confirmed His story for me is bigger than my past!

Grateful for Him allowing me to see His work behind me by connecting the dots and excited about what He has before me!

20 Years

Today is our twentieth wedding anniversary!  Very grateful that by God's grace and mercy, we've reached this milestone more as He intended us to be, individually and as husband and wife.  Hope He grants us many more years together.  I love you, AJ, as long as my heart is beating!

Break Through

For the last several days, A.J. and I have fallen into the trap of being on the defensive with each other.  How I am interacting with him is actually reflecting my belief in God.  It's really not about me and A.J.  It's about me and God.  What does my attitude, my response, my thoughts, and my words reveal about my relationship with the Lord at this time?  Bringing that question into the here and now, what does being on the defensive say?

I believe I am abandoned and rejected but trying to prove myself.  Now that may sound heartbreakingly pitiful, like the ugly little pup that's so ugly it's lovable, but this plays out very different.  It's more like the scruffy kid who lashes out at others when subconsciously he wants someone to break through his ugliness and love him!  (Admit it.  You don't like that kid, especially if it's your kid on the receiving end.)

It's exactly what God did through Jesus, break through the ugliness and love us. We all need the gospel, ALL. THE. TIME. Thank You, Lord, for breaking through. Break through me now.