Celebrating MBray

It's official. Our homeschool days are done. After twelve years of hard work, MBray has finished up her senior year and college is on the horizon.

But not only that. After eight years, we celebrated her senior violin recital. Forty-five minutes of playing beautifully and a chocolate chip cake as a reward at the reception. She even announced it when she finished, "Come eat cake!"

So proud of that gal! She's one amazing young woman with a bright future ahead of her, as the proud mommy smiles and fights back tears.

Senior Photos

   

  

Recital Photos

With her aunt. Love that laugh face!

 And they ate the cake...

 The three amigos!

 Sibling love!

 Sweet shot with her grandfather

 Her violin teacher. A few tears shed by the mommy and the teacher at the conclusion of the recital.

Love you, L! You are a blessing!

All photo credits to MBray's longtime precious friend, M, 

who stepped in front of the camera for this one. 

Thank you for capturing these moments!

Find her website at A Still Breath.

Smiling at the future! 

Facelift

In the upper left hand corner, you might have noticed a change. An updated picture. (Sorry for the size. I couldn't' figure out how to make it smaller.)

Recently, I was perusing through old photos from the past several years and ending up comparing them to recent photos. There seems to be to a difference in the way I look. No, it's not the revealing of my grey streak of hair. No, it's not the additional "maturity lines" (aka wrinkles). It's not even a somewhat gaunt look of the ever successful but in this case unnecessary "divorce diet". It's in the smile and in the eyes.

Maybe I am fooling myself, but I don't think so. Old pictures to me now look as if I have a pasted smile and half dead eyes reminiscent of a Stepford wife. (If you are younger than mid-forty and have no idea about that reference, look it up.) Recent photos, the smile seems genuine and lighter in heart. The eyes seem to express joy and contentment. It is what I feel within. It is only my Rock that I can thank for it. I am not suppose to be at a better place so soon, but I am incredibly grateful.

Isaiah 43:19 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

From Mourning to Jubilation!

After the tragic events of the previous days, followers, friends, and disciples of Jesus must have been feeling a lot of despair, pain, heartbreak, and confusion. Each had been transformed from within. Their lives reflected it. But all appeared to be lost. When Jesus's life went down in ways that had been unexpected, I am sure they were questioning themselves. Had I been fooled? How could He really be who He said He was? Has it all been a farce? What now? 

In our own small way, my kids and I can relate. This time last year, we were putting on a show. AJ had moved out, but we were still portraying ourselves as the happy family for the sake of his mother who was soon to lose her battle with cancer. We were questioning. Had we been fooled? Had it all been a farce? What now? 

The answer in our case as it played out is yes, it had been a show. Not just Easter with the extended family but the whole shebang. I can only speak for myself. I felt a lot of pain, heartbreak, and a tad bit of confusion and despair (thanks be to God, because I understood this situation really had nothing to do with me). I think the same is true for my kiddos, MBray less than CF, but I feel certain the Lord will bring CF further along.

BUT... Jesus wasn't a show. He conquered death by raising from the dead. He paid the price of sin, taking on the wrath of God for His chosen ones. This is why we can stand here a year out and know, that though the whittling down of our family from four to three went down in unexpected ways, there is jubilation! Only because AJ was not the center of our world or even the center of our family. Jesus is. He arose from the dead. He conquered death. And because of that, despite the heartache and pain of this world, we live a jubilant life. 

Happy Easter, everyone, for He has risen! 

(Special shout-out to S! Thanks for the family shot!)

A Silent Battle

Explaining the immediate sense of peace that came over my home a year ago has been difficult. There were no outward explanations. Yelling, fighting, animosity, and conflict? That wasn't going on. I still believe a third person observation would have thought what we did. Nothing was amiss. But there is no denying the relief the kids and I felt, especially them, and continue to feel.

I am not one who puts much thought in the spiritual beings in this world. Yes, I believe in good and evil forces. Yes, I believe they are in conflict with each other, overtly and covertly. But I wouldn't have believed that a silent battle was taking place in my own home...until it wasn't anymore. A silent battle we are now fully aware of most of the time when engaging with AJ, my ex and my children's father. The spirit within him is in conflict with the spirit within us. Not a word has to be spoken. Not an action has to be done. It just is. As long as he stays as he is, it will be.

It all became clear to me when I recently remembered a counseling session discussing my family years ago. My very presence is an issue, without a word said or an action done. Looking back at the time, it is true in that case. Living it again, it is true in this case

So, the source of the silent battle is removed. But no matter the circumstances, engaging with AJ for any length of time causes conflict. Ultimately though, the victory is His and ours. My life has played it out again.

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4

As a side note, I found the next couple of verses from this passage interesting. 

They are from the world; therefore they speak from the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error. 1 John 4:5,6

A Little Help

There is something about dreams. A "good" dream, a "bad" dream, either can set my mood for the day. Thankfully, it doesn't happen too often. But recently, in a way I can only describe as being haunted during the night about the level of evil the children and me endure, a bad dream set me back for a day to an anxiety level worse than I knew at the height of the fruition of AJ's chaos, many months ago.

It was all I could do to get myself to work that day, which gave me relief. But as soon as I left work, the anxiety came back with a vengeance. It just wouldn't go away and it was unbearable. Nothing was making it subside.

That's where a long time, dear friend stepped in. So grateful I took the chance and was real about where I really was. My friend came alongside me and allowed me to lean in for strength and encouragement. As usual, this friend also diverted the conversation which reminds me, there is life outside of this mess, even for me.

I know Jesus is the only one we can truly count on. But He also allows us to experience it in the flesh through friends. Thank you, B! The Beatles were right. I'm getting by with a little help from my friends.

Being Real: One Year Out

Looking back on the past year of my life, I can honestly say, we are all better off, the kids and I, that is. We have removed ourselves from the chaos as much as possible at this point.

Reflecting over the years, I see more clearly now. No more dealing with erratic behaviors and emotions on a constant basis.  No more blaming myself for not being and doing enough to keep a sense of constancy and safety within our home because I was accused of being overly sensitive. No more making me the fixer of relationships. (Though that still gets hurled at me constantly. I now feel the freedom to let it hit the ground and not pick it up, no matter the source and no matter the consequences.)

Despite all that, exactly a year out of the beginning of the ex's reveal of his years of infidelity, the hatefulness of his behavior and attitude, especially after the reveal, is numbing. From his birthday, to St. Patrick's Day, to Easter, then his mother's death, it's all tainted with the chaos he and his other woman created a year ago. Even the kids have mentioned it in passing to me. He has yet to acknowledge it to any of us.

In the last several days, it was simmering under the surface. But when he accidentally sent me a text meant for the other woman gushing about their weekend plans, it began to bubble over.

Quite frankly, I am angry. I am angry they both lack regret, much less remorse or repentance, though both of them claim different. I am angry both of them bring God into it. Seriously. I am not kidding or exaggerating. On a regular basis. I am angry he now has a comrade fueling his twisted thought paradigm. So his hatefulness is ongoing for both me and the children.

And quite frankly again, I think my anger is in line. God is angry at unrepentant sin. God is angry that evil tries to clothe itself in His light. God is angry at deceit, lies, and manipulation.

"They" say the second year is harder than the first. Lord, have mercy on us. Make us an exception. Please pray we will come to a sense of His rest as my ex continues to spin out of control, likely to crash, and burn all those connected to him.

And also please pray, my ex, AJ, will come to the end of himself on this side of life and will have no other option but to genuinely and wholeheartedly beg for God's mercy through Jesus.

An Irish Blessing

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,a faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!