Disappointments and Blessings

Over the past several weeks, I've been barely aware of flashes of long term disappointments as I've gone about my days. Nothing significant that I thought needed my attention. But today, it hit me like a freight train, knocking me off my feet. It may have something to do with where I left off reading A Praying Life by Paul Miller. A wound is opened. Negative thoughts pelt me relentlessly.

Restless and wanting the abuse to end, I took a nap. (HA!) But I woke up ready to face the dragon. Paper and pen are my therapist. This is what came out.

The prayers I've given up on.....

• Meaningful female companionship, especially within a group of girlfriends, especially, especially within a group of Christian girlfriends. Relationships are a hard nut for me to crack. Add Christians into the mix and it's even harder.
• Being noticed. Indifference and generally being ignored feels like being a non human.
• Sense of belonging and acceptance. 'Nuff said.
• Loving, encouraging, healthy extended family relationships. Lately I've noticed glimpses of my family of origin reflecting back at me in the mirror. Joys of growing older. The continued brokenness haunts me.

Difficult to face. As I spiral downward again, I throw up a prayer, "Now what?" Here's what came out...

The desires of my heart, I've been blessed with....

• Authentic, vibrant, soul and heart felt relationship with my Savior and my God!
• Genuine, comfortable, restful relationship with my hubby.
• Kiddos I adore being and interacting with.
• In-laws who love me unconditionally.
• A long distance, long term friend who I can be real with and she's still my friend.

Don't think I'm sweeping the prayers I've given up on aside. The Lord has His purposes in stirring them and I'm sure this is the beginning of another healing journey. But I also need to remember how I've been blessed. Thank you, Lord!